saga begins on a street corner in a fairly large city with " my buddy" Jeff
stating the question to me, "I thought you were gonna do all three" in
regards to some random pharmaceutical amphetamine tablets, "uppers" as they
were called, most likely doled out to weight obsessed housewives back in the
late spring of 1969. I was pretty high on two already, but gave into peer
pressure and took the third one. It was a month before my 16th birthday
I went to bed that night with my heart racing, and a panic that began to
swell from inside my stomach to my head. I walked into the bathroom and got
down on my knees as if i wanted to heave up the poison in my system, only to
be overcome with a feeling that I was facing death, and I was scared,
shaking. I went into my parent's room and spoke out for my mom and dad. They
turned on the lights and asked what was the matter. I said my heart was
beating extremely fast and i was frightened. I sat on the bed and my Mom
admitted that it was so, worried about what was happening to me. My Dad said
i would be alright, it was just some dream........
Well, from then on I was never quite the same. The world looked unreal to
me, and I had panic attacks off and on over the next few years. I could
never take drugs again, and I turned to drinking at 18. This seemed to even
me out and gave me "courage" to behave "normal" with others. The difference
with my experience , and from what I've read on this site is that nobody
seems to mention the "religious" aspect to depersonalization. While reading
Allan Watts, a famous author on Buddhist principals, he speaks about the
connection of all things to one another, "who" are we really? Are we this
voice inside our heads? Are we our random thoughts? As if to say that this
detachment we feel is a necessary component to "the awakening"
self-realization" etc. I associated with these things and also was confused
by them. I heard George Harrison sing in "Within you and without you" "..and
the time will come when you see we are all one, and life flows on within you
and without you".
I have spent my entire adult life with this condition. And through it all I
am married for 26 yrs. to a wonderful wife, have a good son, 22 yrs old. I
often wonder how things would have been if I would have turned "Jeff" down
that night and not taken the 3rd tab. Who knows.