Story by "Anonymous"

 

I have just recently found the term for what I have been feeling persistently for the last 12yrs. I became acutely aware of the detachment one day driving home from work- I was in a rush to get home to pick up my daughter from the sitters- when I realized that I just didn't "feel there". I have lived with that unreal feeling ever since. At first it was just occasional but now, 12yrs later, I am deeper than ever. I struggle every day to just act normal. I really have no feelings, I act on what I think would be the normal response. My husband is aware and tries to understand but I don't think anyone who has never experienced "it" has any idea. I blame myself for my condition, I lived a pretty wild life in my younger days and think I am dealing with my shame by tuning out, a self protection thing. Years ago I drank a lot, pretty much every time I would black out for up to 12hrs at a time. When I smoked pot along with the alcohol it was much worse. I think during one of those times I was gang raped, I'm not really sure-what an awful feeling! It is so hard not knowing what happened during my blackouts. I never had any real sense of myself, I was looking for love and acceptance. Thankfully I met my husband who accepts me, flaws and all. Together we have become Christians and find our strength there. I don't understand why The Lord has me on this journey but I do know He will give me the strength to survive and hopefully overcome. Thanks for reading, It has been a comfort to write it down and to know that I am not the only one.

 

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