Story by "Anonymous"
I had my first depersonalization experience when I was 12 3/4 years old. I'm ashamed and sorrowed to admit that it occurred just two weeks after the first time I smoked marijuana. The DP event was so incredibly traumatic and life altering. I look back now over the years (I'm 37 now), and can see how my life was altered forever from that first DP episode, until the present. It has been the center of what I can and cannot do for my entire life since the age of 12. I remember praying to God that it would go away when it first occurred, and after it didn't, I assured my self that by the time I was 17, or 22, or 27, etc, I'd certainly be free from it (thinking in 5 year increments), but here I am, on May 14, 2004, technology and science having advanced far enough to see me typing on the 'internet', about DP. It's a part of my life forever. I have found some strength and 'pride' in considering the fact that I am an 'observer' here on this earth, and in this body, and race of bodies called human beings. I see folly in all human activities with the exception of Love, and that since I have had my own children (three of them). Only love, and the giving of it to the most innocent, seems real to me, and it is Love that gives my life meaning. Without it I would see this life with the pure detachment of DP, and marvel at the folly of my existence in this body, watching these thoughts, and amongst all of these seemingly 'plugged in' people. I must say, the movie, 'The Matrix' must have been conceived of by a DP brother or sister. It was like a revelation to view that concept on the screen.
I want to thank you for this beautiful, wonderful page. I TOTALLY agree with the need for research into the barrier between sleep and wakefulness. DP isn't narcolepsy, but maybe narcolepsy on 10 cups of coffee. I would like to experiment with the newer drug, modafinil, to see if it helped with my own DP. I may pursue this if I can find a sympathetic doctor. Otherwise, I must say that I do, and always have, found great relief from alcohol, though that substance has caused me many problems in the past. I have matured to a 'medicinal' user of it now, and am grateful for it just being there when I need it. Also, I had rather long lasting success with Tylenol cold (with psuedoephedrine), and with ephedrine/guarana/whitewillow stack. Unfortunately, five years of positive usage with the latter, resulted, finally, in panic attacks, which brought back the DP, and vice versa, with a vengeance. I sit back and watch as bravely as I can, as my 'outer brain' (that's what I call the brain that I 'reside' in the center of during a DP attack), and my body, and existence itself, go on playing like some bizarre 'movie'...rotten analogy for something that is REALLY happening...or is it?
Please write if you'd like.
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