now, and have been going through a bit of a rough patch lately with
fairly frequent panic attacks. Feelings of depersonalization and
derealization always accompany the attacks. Last night, for instance, I
was driving my stepson's
girlfriend home and had a DP episode.
It started with acute and sudden feelings of sadness and regret over a
minor issue. From there things progressed to a subtle but noticeable
perception - everything around me just looked "weird" and unreal in that
ineffable way so familiar to DP sufferers. Then my voice started
sounding odd when I spoke - disembodied, not my own, and far away
somehow. Then the panic hits, and with it, feelings of being outside
myself, not really here, not grounded, and not feeling comfortable at
all. It was a struggle focusing on my driving and coping with the
horrible feelings I was experiencing.
For me, my DP experiences always feel like a kind of delirium, like a
drug trip is about to begin. So much so they remind me of the first time
ever took LSD, when I was 16; the experience was like one long panic
attack with hallucinations thrown in for good measure. Smoking some
really strong pot about a month after the LSD experience brought on
severe depersonalization and panic. This in turn triggered months of
feeling numb, very screwed up and yielded still more DP and panic
attacks. Eventually all this landed me in the hospital where I was
treated for depression. Needless to say it was a hellish time.
The antidepressants did help quite a bit, but for months afterwards I
still felt somewhat emotionally arid and unable to enjoy life. I
drug experiences and their aftermath as the beginning of my DP problem.
More to the point, I still think, to this day, that the shrink who
treated me never did suspect or pick up on my DP issues.
Since then I've had panic and DP attacks off and on, but for the longest
time never really realized what they were. The more I read about DP,
the more I wonder if my situation is a chicken-and-egg sort of thing. Is
DP causing my panic attacks, or is it the other way around?
I find that when things get really bad, a low dose of a benzodiazepine
like Ativan straighten things out fairly quickly.
Anyone who wants to share their own experiences or just chat about what
they're going through is welcome to e-mail me at email@example.com.