Story by "Anonymous"

 

WOW. Along with the TEN QUESTIONS someone presented in your forum and these quotes from your INTRO PAGE below..
 
*Your mind is always a million miles away. All natural spontaneity and joy of living is gone. You know something's wrong, and you're constantly battling with what it might be, and evaluating how you feel*
 
*The person knows that something is terribly wrong, and grapples with trying to figure out what it is. If anything, it's the opposite of insanity. It's like being too sane. You become hyper vigilant of your existence and things around you.*
 
*You close your eyes and turn inward, but the very thoughts running through your head seem different. The act of thinking itself, the stream of invisible words running through the hollow chamber of your mind, seems strange and unreal. It's as if you have no self, no ego, no remnant of that inner strength which quietly and automatically enabled you to deal with the world around you, and the world inside you. It may settle over time, into a feeling of "nothingness", as if you were without emotions, dead. Or the fear of it may blossom into a full-blown panic attack. But when it hits for the first time, you're convinced that you're going insane, and wait in a cold sweat to see when and if you finally do go over the edge.*
 
I have become a former shell of myself. often wondering incredulously how I got here. or other times  mourning the ever so distantly growing memory or ME. or I should say the me that I loved and was. She seems to have been a totally different person. Lover and giver, an eternal optimist.  Someone who loved life, embraced it. "I AM Woman, hear me roar" type of thing. I was going to live life to the fullest. and could resource anything at anytime. I felt like a very successful person. In fact my nickname given to me by others was "Ms. Happy* because I loved life and everyone in it so much.
 
Now at 47 , after struggling with many chronic illnesses and being on meds that I know are effecting my brain functioning...I feel as if I am 3 years old. I literally almost hate this new person. I worry constantly, feel totally and routinely pushed aside by the medical community and am keenly aware of the fact that if you are NOT a person of wealth in this country...you are NOT worth trying to save.
 
The only thing I do have left is my intellect. and I have come to view it as a curse now , instead of a blessing. I often go to bed praying death will come or another stroke will come and take all of my intelligence away. I seem to *see* things that many others can not. the bias against people without money, the depersonalization in the world itself. where we judge other by what they have.. not by their heart.  The deterioration of the medical/mental health community from patient -oriented to more business like "bottom line profit" mode.
 
I have spent almost the last 4 years alone and baseline agoraphobic. My days are one of anguish/anxiety and numbness at the same time.
 
Tonight I have to go grocery shopping..(I am a sandwich child...having an 85 year old father to take care of and two grown children and a grandchild.)  I had always  been called  the *strong one of the family* all my life. now they  can not or will not see I am NOT that person anymore.  This makes me feel even more of a failure and a disappointment.
 
So  food shopping falls on me. I dread it. I tried to go through the coupons and found I could barely think. The thought of physically going to the supermarket and having to walk down aisles and go through coupons and even exert energy into the real world. it feels so draining. like an impossible task.  That makes my cry. WHY? What has happened to me?
 
Where did I go? I look in the mirror and hate who I see now.
I do not know how I got this way. nor feel able to get out of it.
 
I wake every morning feeling like a startled infant, beat up and thrown away by life and myself.
 
No matter how much sleep I get, I always feel exhausted. Talking to others at times feels like too much effort. If I do go places, I never feel like I was truly there. Not the ME I knew anyway. I love my granddaughter but can not feel the love for her. My capacity to be in the here and now has faded.
 
This is a horrible disorder.
I wish it on no one.
I would love to have my brain scanned by the new imaging.. but fear that  at this time. it is for people of wealth and not SSD throwaways like me that society has deemed too expensive ( or complicated to try and save. )
 
That hurts me to think that I am now worthless because I do not have money. I think our world and its changing values has also contributed to more and more people feeling left out and truly unimportant.
 
Sorry if I rambled. This is a very hard thing for me and even to write these words above is an exercise in terror.
 
I no longer feel as if I am living in the world but simply existing. I cry out at times and no one ever seems to hear. Or even when they do hear ( I am still very keen as far as being able to pinpoint my problems and what could or may help) ..I get told for the hundredth time that.. "Yes this would help or that would help but your insurance doesn't cover it" or "Sorry that is only for those who can afford it."
 
It is terrifying to feel so empty and also so alone in your mind and in this world.
 
Perhaps I have died already and just do not know it.


 

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