Every story I've ready about DP has been from a person
either experiencing DP because of an illegal substance, or
alcohol. I believe that I have primary DP, and that mine started at
the age of 7.
I was walking to school with my sister, and I tripped over
an umbrella and smacked my head on a brick that was sitting infront
of me. I don't remember how my sister got me home, but I do remember
everyone being in my face, my mom holding ice to my head and me
screaming. I don't remember how it sounded, and I only really
remember seeing the look of worry on everyone's faces. My parents
didn't take me to the hospital to have my head examined, and to this
day, 29 years later, I still have a lump on my skull where my head
hit the ground.
That seems to be when my fascination with death began. I
was always wondering what it would be like to be dead.. if it was
scary, if it would hurt... and around that time I became suicidal -
my first attempt was at age 9. My DP symptoms are worse when I've
smoked marijuana but they are with me 24/7. I feel like a little
entity inside my body, just going through the motions. I feel like I
control my limbs with levers, and I don't really feel anything. I
can't even give a sincere hug because I just am not aware completely
of my physicality.
I don't have foggy vision like others have said, either. My
vision is crisp and clear.. it's just that I don't perceive my life
or myself as being real.. tangible. Everything I see is like
something you'd see in film.. as if my eyes are nothing more than
telephoto lenses. I look around me and everything is sorta framed..
it makes me a very good photographer, but has left me a mess.
Now the struggle to get tested the proper way is what I am
facing now. When I spoke to my counselor about testing for DP, she
talked about paper test, and puzzles, and I told her that I want a
brain scan. I live in such a small town that I may have problems
finding someone who will actually believe what I'm telling them, and
not try to attribute it to drug use. As I'm typing this in, I'm
barely aware that I'm here. My hands are moving but they don't quite
feel like my own, and I'm looking around my desk and everything just
seems like a prop. On the rare occasion that I begin to feel aware
of my own mass, anxiety and panic take over and I seem to disappear
inside myself again. I've never mentioned it to my friends, and will
probably never discuss it with my family, because they don't
understand much of what's going on with me. Ever.
I know it's rare that people have primary DP, but count me
in as one of the few. At least there's a name for it, now I just
have to find a good psychiatrist.
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