Story by "Barbara"

 

I am glad to have someone to share my experience with. I am 60 yrs old and just found out I've have de-personalization since 3 yrs old or earlier. It was always after I went to bed and I would look at my hands and know they were mine, but where was the "me" inside of me. Terror would strike. I've never been dissociated , but I would fall into a full blown panic attack. It mostly happened when I was tired. I would run to my mothers arms who was exasperated because she just didn't realize the stark terror I was feeling.
Years went by with a failed marriage and 3 children. But by then I discovered the wonder drug valium and alcohol. With these 2 things I could "give in" and "feel" myself through the fear. Then it was over. I felt I had finally conquered the strange unnamed bugaboo. It was only a fear and nothing more. But I became addicted to valium and benzodiaziapines  and became an alcoholic.
I finally got a psychiatrist who put a name to this damnable fear. It helps because for the first time I realize I am not the only one. thanks for listening.

 

Barbara

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