Story by "Eugene"

 

Although I now feel almost completely normal again, I believe that I recently had a depersonalization episode that lasted for about a month. Being in that condition was more or less the most difficult part of my life so my heart goes out to anyone that suffers from depersonalization on a daily basis. It seems to me that earlier this summer an abundance of factors all came together to create this highly unpleasant change in my perception. In retrospect, the greatest cause was probably my new job, which practically flipped my whole schedule upside down. Before I started this job I would usually stay up until three in the morning and sleep until twelve in the afternoon. Suddenly I was forced to wake up at five thirty each morning. Needless to say it was not easy for me to adjust to my new schedule and I started suffering from mild sleep deprivation. At the same time my mind went into a terrible cycle where I could think of nothing else but the pros and cons of living as I had in the past, or completely letting myself go and living a life based on intuition and spontaneity, the ideal of Zen Buddhism and Taoism. As a result of these unfortunate circumstances a switch was triggered in my head and I entered into an episode of depersonalization. This change in perception made me think that I was going insane, which in turn caused me great anxiety and led me to become unbearably depressed. I felt like a sand castle that had been destroyed by a great wind. I was drained of all emotion and felt like I was not real or that I did not exist. I became extremely aware of everything I said and every thought that passed through my mind. It was like I was completely detached from myself and observing my words and actions instead of actually causing them to happen. I also started to perceive the world as a kind of matrix to which I was an outsider. It was like I was an alien from mars observing earth from many miles away, and trying to make sense of everything that I saw. When this was happening to me I thought the confusion in my mind was totally unique and that no one else has ever experienced what I was going through. I am extremely glad to have found this website, as I can now understand what it was that I experienced. For those of you that are living with depersonalization, stay positive and try to believe that it is possible to get better.

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