Story by "Jayson"

 

I just found this website the other day when I was looking up information panic anxiety disorder.

My life as a child was pretty normal. I went to high school, graduated etc. The summer of my graduation I got in a huge car wreck. I was on ecstasy and was very drunk. I flew out of the sunroof and the car landed on my legs and somehow managed to come out with only scratches. After time went on I forgot about the whole deal, with the exception of nightmares and a little post trauma. But I forgot about the whole deal, and went on to college.

At college I was a normal freshmen. I went to classes and partied a lot. I made a lot of friends and was having a good time until one night I was
playing Madden 2004 with some friends and all of a sudden felt very strange. I felt like I was watching my hands press the controller and had no control over them. But since I was very good at the game, I dealt with it...thinking the strange feeling would go away in a few moments, and it didn't. I got up in the middle of the game, and just left to my room. People knocked on the door and I acted like I wasn't there. I stayed in my bed for a solid 24 hours hoping the feeling would just go away. My chest was pounding, my palms were sweaty and I felt stranger than ever. Thoughts were racing through my head at a million miles and hour trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I was praying it wasn't schizophrenia or something serious. It didn't go away for a long time. I drank the feeling away a lot by myself. I still felt strange when I was drunk, but it didn't matter. I was okay with it because I was so out of it. Since then I left the school and have been talking tirelessly to psychiatrists to find out what is wrong. They all tell me it's the panic anxiety disorder. But I know that I got PAD from the depersonalization. When I'm not in extremely stressful situations I feel better than usual. But still sometimes I just pray that I could feel normal again. Sometimes I go through entire days, even weeks, without feeling the horror of it. But sometimes it comes out of nowhere at full force. I pray that the people who suffer under this condition can find help somehow. At the moment I feel okay, but I still wake up not knowing if it's going to be a "bad" day or not. Just adapting to it is the best thing I guess. I hate having to think about the fact that I'm going to have to live with this my entire life. Going from an outgoing 18 year old, to a paranoid, scared 19 year old is not an easy transition. But somehow I know it will get better.
Thanks for reading

Jay


 

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