Story by "Joshua"

 

So reading all of the stories listed have helped somewhat, “somewhat” in that in about 10 minutes I will have forgotten all about this. My name is Joshua. I am 31 years of age. I have lost 28 years of that life and would actually consider every moment since 28 lost as well.

It’s the nightmare called Depersonalization.

My therapist described it as having all of these events in life and no string of consciousness to connect them. It’s likened to observing your life from 3 feet behind and up from your body. I would describe it as a little altzimers stricken, aged man sitting on a chair in the middle of a black void (my mind) observing all, looking out through the windows we call eyes, and hearing everyone call it normalcy, playing parts as if they knew what the point was. For many of us it is surrealism, a warped movie we nickname “life” for lack of a better word or a slight recollection of something we know that we “used to” or “should be” experiencing.

I vaguely remember the time in which I transitioned into this hellish state. I was 28 and had just moved to Oregon to live with my sister and help on her Buffalo Ranch. I needed to pay for my car somehow and with walking out of my job (start of the DP) prior to the SLC Olympics was not the smartest of moves financially. It was on a trip back from town. I had not remembered how I got back with the exception of the still pictures that I could pull from what seemed to be a Dali dream. It was 2 years before I was able to put a name to my lack of reality and time. Many factors went into initiating such a state. I was raised LDS/Mormon. I really enjoyed my religion until I discovered that I was gay, hardly compatible with Christianity. Realizing that people were people and they were in no way the perfect icons that I had made them out to be. Working in the Advertising and Promotional Field as a Project Manager was hardly low stress and working with sales people who considered underhanded business and lying to clientele as ethical and up to Sociological “Par for the Course.” Standards wore on me in every aspect. I was a giver, so much so that there was no Joshua. I was an empty shell that did nothing but give, give, give even when I had nothing. I had never created a person, I was just the shell. I went through many, many other “Top List” Stressors that contributed to Stress and Anxiety Disorder/Manic Depressive etc… and one day….CRACK!!!

I learned the hard way. If we do not take care of ourselves and address those things that need major attention. One day our minds will take over and do what they have to in order to protect them.

Just when I think that this can get no worse it jolts into a higher gear to an unexpected level of detachment. Thank God for understanding friends and a wonderful loving family. Without them I would truly be lost. It seems that the only friends that I can keep are those that have been around since childhood, extra special souls or those that have been thru depersonalization themselves. Often forgetting that all people exist hinders the positive growth of relationships. I still find myself explaining the depersonalization over and over to those I care for. I constantly have to help them understand that it is not a lack of love or sincerity that keeps me from them but this illness that makes me disappear.

I could literally walk away from my entire life and everyone that I love and never think about it or them ever again without any remorse.

Suicide nearly became my reality for escape.

I would not wish this on Satan.

I want out.

JJHatch@MagellanHealth.com

 

 
 
 


 

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