Story by "Pam"
I'm really pleased that I have found a site where people can submit their stories re: depersonalization. I don't mind using my real name and would be pleased to receive Emails.
I am 53yrs old and have been depersonalized since I was 19yrs old. I think the cause of it began when I was 12. I was due to attend a new school, was being transferred as was considered bright. I became very conscious of myself and started having panic attacks when asked to read at school. I am sure that it was because I felt I wouldn't measure up in the new school.
When at the new school, I became terrified of English lessons as would tremble, become breathless and feel acute embarrassment. School became a nightmare. I began experiencing absences. I looked through medical dictionaries to find the cause and discovered epilepsy. I didn't want epilepsy and so decided to hide the absences as best I could. I would make excuses if someone was talking to me etc. Eventually, after a couple of big seizures epilepsy was diagnosed although I was loathe to admit that I had been suffering from absences. The Doctor who diagnosed it was so annoyed about me hiding the fact that I had been having absences that he laid into me listing all I could not do in life eg get married, have children, drive etc etc. All my fears exploded into reality.
I returned to college and began thinking about life - why I was me and if I died I would still be me and therefore I was trapped forever. I thought about other people - wondered who they were and how they could be them if they weren't me. I wanted to be someone else without epilepsy but I knew I couldn't be anyone else because I would still be me! My mind became overwhelmed with thoughts about existence and one day, when I was walking along a college corridor, I felt something click inside my head. I felt distanced and different and the familiar surroundings appeared strange. I remember going to the library and sitting down trying to wait for these awful, weird alien feelings to pass.
They never did but I have survived! I won't write anymore as I sure I have written enough!
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