Story by SAM

 

My 1st DP episode was the very beginning of my 8th grade year (August 2004), I'm in 9th grade now, and I'm 15 years old. It happened right after I really got high for the first time. Everyone said the high goes away after 2 hours at the most. When I woke up the next day, it was still there. I felt all messed up, I couldn't concentrate. My mind was all over the place. I thought I had brain damage or something. I wasn't sure what was going on. After that I started having serious thoughts of suicide, and serious depression. I isolated myself in my room constantly on my computer. I still do this but not like I used to. Around February of 2005 was when I had a physical with my doctor, I talked to him about the depression, but not about the depersonalization. He got me into seeing a therapist. She has helped me a lot with the depression. I was originally put on prozac. It seemed to be helping the first few months, and over the summer, but when 9th grade came I really hit the fan. Also I had my first SERIOUS panic attack a week before. I was taken to the ER in an ambulance. I never experianced a panic attack like that before, I didn't even know what was happening. I had my first day of 9th grade, the DP was really kicking in, I ended up in the hospital for 4 days because I felt really suicidal. They took me off the proza and put me on Zoloft. I'm currently taking 75mg of that per day. This DP is really driving me crazy now. Since I'm starting to feel more happy, and less depressed, I'd like to start socializing more, but the DP keeps me away from people. I just feel so messed up. I read a few of the other stories on this website, and I feel the same EXACT way as you people. It's crazy, about how someone wrote they had a hard time staring in the mirror. I have that EXACT same problem. If I stare at myself long enough, my mind will just drift waaayyy out there. It's understand that that's ME right there. During my 8th grade year I was put on the spot by my SS teacher a lot. That was terrible, my mind was all screwed up I couldn't concentrate. I wanted to just fall down and just lay on the floor so people would know somethings wrong with me. I was talkin to some girl the other day when my DP was at its peak, and she was like "are you ok?" and I just could say, "yeah im fine". I was really wayy out there in my head. Sometimes I find myself thinking "what the hell am i doing here".. and here as in HERE.. in this body at this time on this earth. I also find myself wondering about why everything exists. I don't beleive in god at all. I'm more of a scientific reasoning person. My therapist told me that to make these episodes go away quicker, I have to exersize to get the "good" hormones and brain chemicals going. I find it easy to make it go away if i just stop thinking about it, or just do something to take my mind off of it. Back when these episodes started was when I was seriously addicted to caffiene, trying to make myself snap out of this feeling. It's no use at all, you can't just snap out of it. I really wish it was that easy though. Thank-You a lot for reading this story, if anyone wants to talk to me, email: SamTheAssumer@aim.com - an email none of my friends know about.

 

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