My recovery from DP after 10 years

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Joined: Wed Aug 21, 2019 5:00 am

My recovery from DP after 10 years

Post by Evgeney » Sat Nov 30, 2019 6:18 pm

Depersonalization is a paradox box and I found through meeting many other depersonalized people that even though we share similar commonalities and behavioral patterns many of us have found ourselves with this condition under a spectrum of different circumstances.

My story is unique to me and maybe some can relate.

Cause - Synthetic marijuana JWH-080
Length - 10-11 years

Depersonalization started strong the next day after a panic attack from inhaling JWH-080 the now banned synthetic marijuana chemical. The next day after this trigger panic attack as many of us I woke up completely disconnected and lost. I figured at the time that this was a temporary effect from the drugs but after a few days the effects remained.

Growing up in Brooklyn with certain communities I found myself to brush away weaknesses and problems and I found myself doing the same with this disorder. My answer for when it persisted for months was that this was rather a change in mindset than a disorder and due to this self defensive mechanism of behavior I had not sought out solution. I graduated from highschool, I even acquired my associates degree while I was completely under the spell of depersonalization. My belief that it was a mindshift change fueled my motivation where I really did not suffer as much as I should have despite surrounded by a chronic shroud of fog, seeing the world as an elaborate machine, watching myself live day to day from right above myself and seeing people as robotic automatons completely scripted in behavior and existence.

It was only after I began studying for my bachelors degree did I begin to question how I felt about myself. I dug deep and I learned more and more about myself. I came to realize although some aspects of my mindshift change may be valid, but the symptoms that I chronically felt are not healthy.

My first degree was in psychology and I dug deep. I started consulting with therapists and conducting intensive research, when therapists asked about my family upbringing i automatically found myself refusing to even talk about it. *This was the first clue that I realized months later.

I looked back and found my parents and grandparents to be abusive in nature, narcissistic and verbally detrimental. I found behavioral patterns which I exhibited to be narcissistic to my friends/partners. I realized that I was repeating the nature of my upbringing and right then and there I had made the decision to put a stop to it and refuse to follow in the footsteps of those who raised me.

This is when everything changed, I began practicing gratitude, I began to be positive, I began to trust anyone and everyone unconditionally until they proved to betray my trust and I lived at my peak and chose to chase the things that I feared instead of hiding away.

Chase the fear of traveling to foreign countries, chased the fear of interacting with people, chased the fear of jumping out of planes and then over time I found a radical shift in mindset. I found myself although still chronically burdened by fog no longer lost in existential rumination, I found myself living in the presence and getting things done instead of seeing myself floating above myself and living like a robot. I have found myself graduating and accomplishing things I have deemed before impossible such as starting businesses, closing sales, giving speeches in public and living free of fear.

Depersonalization for me itself is a tool of gratitude because I look at my friends from Brooklyn, my old circle of friends who had not had the condition immerse itself into them pushing their limits without safely and losing their lives. Whether drugs, whether risk. Many of them I do not share my life with today but once I found myself depersonalized I found myself to separate myself from that circle, they had no warning and they let behavioral patterns take over.

Depersonalization forced me to work on myself instead of feeling sorry for myself and my option was either to drown in the misery or give it everything I had to recover. I chose to fight. I think if I did not come across this condition, I would likely be dead alongside many of my old friends today and that is my gratitude.

Depersonalization is crippling and terrifying I know, but I truly believe that we all have a chance for recovery. I was completely lost and immersed but I recovered with extensive work. I was getting ready to live my entire life this way at a point but then I found myself outside the despair.

Thank you for reading this wall of text, I am not one to share my thoughts or talk about myself and I hope someone finds it helpful.

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