I’m Lily

Share your story
Post Reply
Lily
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Sep 22, 2019 8:09 pm

I’m Lily

Post by Lily » Sun Sep 22, 2019 8:39 pm

I was physically and emotionally abused as a child and neglected. My childhood was extremely traumatic. I started experiencing derealization after my child was born. I was 17. I have had varying degrees of derealization over the years. It has never gone away. Just varying intensity. I have had a few sudden deaths of friends and relatives over the past couple of years. I think that feeling like losing part of my memories with them caused me to feel a little more lost than usual.

I feel scared a lot. I have my own place and live alone. A good career that I love and a few really close friends. I have done extensive work over the years in therapy type work that is engineered to uncover past trauma and to get through it. Workshops. High rope courses, goal setting, leadership courses, etc. experiential seminars.

I always knew something didn’t feel right and have seen many therapists and a psychiatrist that prescribed Xanax from the time I was 22 to my late 30s when I decided to take myself off of the meds. I was losing too much of my memory and having inter-dose withdrawals, causing more panic attacks. I’m now 48.

I drink alcohol in the evenings to self medicate - 1-3 glasses of wine. I suspect that the cross tolerance with my gaba receptors from the Xanax withdrawal may be just making my derealization feelings worse. I don’t want to take medication again. I want to find a more organic way to deal with what is happening and alleviate the symptoms.

I live in fear that I’m going crazy; someone will see an episode and think I’m crazy; I will lose my job because I can’t remember things or have an episode in front of my boss that is noticeable. (I have said I have a really bad headache after putting my head down because it felt like a sudden acid trip while talking to her); I fear that one day I just won’t be able to leave my house and fear will take over and I will just spin out. Those are my immediate fears.

Most of the time it just feels kind of like I just smoked pot. Things don’t seem real. Inanimate objects seem like they aren’t real. Landscapes that are large make me feel dizzy and I seem to think about where it all came from too much - instead of just being in awe or gratitude. My hands don’t seem like my own, or my body. Looking in the mirror freaks me out - like it’s not me. I will suddenly feel fear of being alone, but I really enjoy being alone.

Instead of being productive and going out and seeing friends, I will stay home and watch tv to get away from the feeling of not feeling real.

I sometimes use exercises to cathect the adult ego state such as reciting the alphabet backwards or doing something else to get out of the child ego state. I sometimes just try to ignore what I’m feeling altogether. High emotional situations give me physical symptoms such as tingling in my extremities. Fast heart beat and sometimes panic attacks.

I’m hoping to gain some insight from this group on coping skills and making these feelings go away entirely.

A couple of sudden deaths and my best friend having brain surgery on Monday are bringing up my anxiety level, I’m sure.

Evgeney
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Aug 21, 2019 5:00 am

Re: I’m Lily

Post by Evgeney » Tue Sep 24, 2019 4:04 am

Hey Lily,

Welcome to the board!

A lot of us have found ourselves with this condition after experiencing prolonged abuse and/or neglect as a child, with myself even this is the case and DP definitely usually occurs later in life with a stress trigger for yours looks like it was child birth.

That's super cool hearing about your level of independence despite becoming a mother at such a young age, it sounds like you're a fighter.

This forum and IDS was created to pool depersonalized fighters as we refuse to let DP take over us, there are many coping strategies available and with implementation, I know you can bring DP to the background and focus on living a happier life.

I hope your friends brain surgery went well! We look forward to having you join us.

PS - If you are in the New York area, we are having an in person group meeting coming up in October, join our Facebook group for more information.

Lily
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Sep 22, 2019 8:09 pm

Re: I’m Lily

Post by Lily » Tue Sep 24, 2019 11:24 pm

I live in Las Vegas. Pretty far from you.

I just receive a book I ordered today called, Overcoming Depersonalization & Feelings of Unreality. I found it on the Facebook website. I am hoping to learn more from it. The best part is just not being alone anymore.

His surgery went very well. Thank you for asking. He's already on his way home from UCLA. I'm relieved.

Evgeney
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Aug 21, 2019 5:00 am

Re: I’m Lily

Post by Evgeney » Wed Sep 25, 2019 6:31 pm

Lily wrote:
Tue Sep 24, 2019 11:24 pm
I live in Las Vegas. Pretty far from you.

I just receive a book I ordered today called, Overcoming Depersonalization & Feelings of Unreality. I found it on the Facebook website. I am hoping to learn more from it. The best part is just not being alone anymore.

His surgery went very well. Thank you for asking. He's already on his way home from UCLA. I'm relieved.
Happy to hear!
That book is a great foundation to understanding the disorder, enjoy it!

Lily
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Sep 22, 2019 8:09 pm

Re: I’m Lily

Post by Lily » Thu Sep 26, 2019 3:50 pm

Thanks!

Post Reply