Anonymous

My saga begins on a street corner in a fairly large city with ” my buddy” Jeff stating the question to me, “I thought you were gonna do all three” in regards to some random pharmaceutical amphetamine tablets, “uppers” as they were called, most likely doled out to weight obsessed housewives back in the late spring of 1969. I was pretty high on  two already, but gave into peer pressure and took the third one. It was a month before my 16th birthday people.


I went to bed that night with my heart racing, and a panic that began to swell from inside my stomach to my head. I walked into the bathroom and got down on my knees as if i wanted to heave up the poison in my system, only to be overcome with a feeling that I was facing death, and I was scared, shaking. I went into my parent’s room and spoke out for my mom and dad. They turned on the lights and asked what was the matter. I said my heart was beating extremely fast and i was frightened. I sat on the bed and my Mom admitted that it was so, worried about what was happening to me. My Dad said i would be alright, it was just some dream……..


Well, from then on  I was never quite the same. The world looked unreal to me, and I had panic attacks off and on over the next few years. I could never take drugs again, and I turned to drinking at 18. This seemed to even me out and gave me “courage” to behave “normal” with others. The difference with my experience , and from what I’ve read on this site is that nobody seems to mention the “religious” aspect to depersonalization. While reading Allan Watts, a famous author on Buddhist principals, he speaks about the connection of all things to one another, “who” are we really? Are we this voice inside our heads? Are we our random thoughts? As if to say that this detachment we feel is a necessary component to “the awakening” self-realization” etc. I associated with these things and also was confused by them. I heard George Harrison sing in “Within you and without you” “..and the time will come when you see we are all one, and life flows on within you and without you”.


I have spent my entire adult life with this condition. And through it all I am married for 26 yrs. to a wonderful wife, have a good son, 22 yrs old. I often wonder how things would have been if I would have turned “Jeff” down that night and not taken the 3rd tab. Who knows.

Share this post

Share on facebook
Share on google
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on pinterest
Share on print
Share on email

More Stories

I am writing a book about my thoughts and feelings, and I wanted to share them here. Feel free to email me back with any thoughts. I don't know what I have, but I definitely have a lot of symptoms of depersonalization. The story by Melissa inspired me to share my story here. I would continue reading
When I was born nearly 48 years ago I suffered from a birth defect known as Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH). Due to a malformed diaphragm my stomach and intestines went up into my chest cavity and displaced my heart and lungs to the left hand side. I was a dark blue when I was delivered continue reading

Cat

Familiar surroundings, become strange places. I could see my usual self-change. I become this person that I knew it wasn't, me- all together a different persona. This person didn't care about anything, and was fun to be with. This persona was Fearless, and everyone in school liked who ever this was. This feeling gave me continue reading
I will be 49 years old on Monday Aug. 2.  It is strange that I finally have an answer to what has been going on with me for all the years of my life. I grew up in a family in which my father was an alcoholic and committed suicide when I was 12 years continue reading
I was once diagnosed with major depression and at the time, that seemed the most logical explanation...all I wanted was an explanation.  I was on Zoloft for a time, and it only helped for a few months though I stayed medicated for a couple of years.  I decided to stop after my doctor wanted to continue reading
 I'm 31 years old.  I am just baffled right now.  I have had this condition for 5 years now, and didn't even know it.  I was reading a book called healing fear and it mentioned something about depersonalization disorder.  Not knowing what that was I looked it up on line.  Well, I guess I continue reading

Share your story