Cone

Well, I guess to start off this completely f***d up story of my life living with DP. My name is Cone, well everyone and their mother calls me that. I’ll be sixteen in a week. It all started shy over 2 years ago. It started with just this melancholy detached from life sort of feeling that overcame me. I was indifferent and it affected my relationships profusely. I guess it pitted soon after and then depression overcame me, I used to cut and burn myself in middle school. But this depression was more of a contained depression rather than an anxiety sort of depression. It was to the point where I felt like I was slowly being driven crazy. I was afraid I would be caught up in one of my moments and kill myself. It then led to me making many poor decision in order to distract myself. Like I guess you could say I was “obsessed” and put my whole life into my ex-boyfriend, whom of which we broke up when DP started taking over. I honestly started believing I was Schizophrenic. But, then I watched an Indy film that talked about DP and I started crying because I felt like some sort of definition could be put to my confusion. It started getting really bad about 2 months ago, when I started smoking pot. 4 times I had extremely bad internal freak-outs. I felt like I was being driven insane, it was like my normal thoughts were enhanced and everything was more vivid. I started getting extremely bad flashbacks and saw some of the most bizarre and messed up things I couldn’t even think up. I felt like I was mentally going to explode. I wanted to kill myself, and thank god I didn’t. The Deja Vu was horrible and I felt like everyone was polluting me. I couldn’t move physically because I was so diverged in my mind, diverged in my mind to the point where I couldn’t comprehend what life was. And I would just throw up all over myself because I couldn’t take my thoughts. I mean I always had these thoughts as far back as I could remember. But now they’re just 50x worse. After that I have the long lasting feeling of DP and I’m always paranoid. And everything can set off panic attacks now. I feel so cautious. It’s like I have to avoid everything that’s part of my past. Like if I drink I make someone go to the bathroom with me so I don’t freak out. Sometimes I feel like this is a gift and a curse, seeing as I see things differently from everyone, but it haunts me. I am so thankful to know someone else understands this. I wish this did cure. But for now I’m just trying to look into Buddhism to clear my mind. I’ve been trying to meditate to rid myself of these racing thoughts. They usually consist of what’s the point of life? (usually I respond with there ultimately is no point to life and it goes on and on and no one understands) People begin to blur and become unfamiliar to me, because I overanalyze them and everything, and I question the concept of trees, and life in general. And right now I’m a wreck and I just try to hold on a day at a time. I have hope for a better future. I became addicted to sleeping to escape the thoughts I had. Because every friendship turned to shit, because it just seemed like I was apathetic, when really I was just preoccupied and diverged in the f***d up shit going on in my head. I try to drive all the energy into intelligence. I live my life by distractions, if you have any better suggestions please try to fill me in. Because this unattached feeling of body, mind and soul isn’t working.