Flatbag

It started when was about 15. I’m not sure if smoking pot has anything 
to do with it. I don’t understand why it’s happening and I want answers. 

I got kicked out of my foster mums house 
for getting my nose pierced, I felt normal, I had a social life, I 
wasn’t afraid to drink alcohol I wasn’t afraid of much. I moved in with 
my best friend’s sister as I had no where else to go, except my mother’s 
but at the time I wasn’t ready to move back in with my parents because 
we didn’t get along very well. Anyway, I moved in with my friend’s 
sister. I knew she was an idiot. She had 3 kids, treated them like 
absolute crap and she did drugs. But because I was a positive person I 
didn’t let those things bother me. As soon as I moved in there her and 
her husband tried to force smoking pot onto me. I gave in thinking well 
you only live once. Although I am totally against drugs,  I smoked pot 
about 10 times all up but have only been ‘stoned’ about 4 times and I 
remember that feeling it was like I was floating. It was horrible and it 
scared me. In the august of 2004 I don’t know how it started it was 
almost as if I had woken up and this ‘feeling’ wouldn’t go away. I 
remember looking at my friends and family and I could hear them but I 
couldn’t understand what they were saying. I could see that they were 
talking and I could hear their voices but I was so worried about what was 
happening to me I couldn’t really understand what they were saying. I 
felt as if I had taken a drug and I wasn’t going to come down from it. I 
went to the movies with a friend and after the movie had finished we 
were standing outside and everything just was really abnormal.  I 
kept questioning myself. Who am I? Why am I here? Who is she? Are these 
my hands? I would worry myself sick over these thoughts and although I 
knew the answer to all of them it was like I was trying so hard to 
convince myself I was real and that I wasn’t dead. I thought I was 
dying. I even had these thoughts that I was dead and I was a ghost. Some 
days were better then others but usually its when I’m outside with people 
or when I’m shopping or at night its worse. I’ve seen 2 doctors and they 
always say its post trauma stress or something from when I was molested. 
but I know it isn’t that. I’ve tried risperdal, zyprexa, and lovan. They 
do nothing. It is kind of hard to explain the way I feel because people 
tend to look at you as if you’re a weirdo. All I can say is that its 
like I’m in a dream. Other times its like I’m watching myself in a movie. 
I talk to myself. not out loud but just in my mind like I’m watching 
myself through a TV. I say stuff to myself like oh no is she really 
going to do that. But it isn’t a movie its my life. I wake up sometimes 
during the night. Actually 2 nights ago was the most recent time. And I 
am panicking.  I don’t know why im panicking and I get really depressed over 
it. and scared. I keep thinking to myself am I dying? am I already dead? 
I find that when I’m embarrassed or shy its really bad, almost 
unbearable. If I go for a job interview I almost have to leave because I 
go numb and feel as if I’m going to faint.  I have these constant 
suicidal thoughts I tell myself that once I’m dead  ‘it’ wont be around 
anymore. Like dying is setting myself free. I’m  extremely scared of 
dying but at the moment I feel like its the only answer. I cant have a 
job. I cant really do anything. It’s like I’m disabled.  I’ve quit 4 jobs in 
the past year because I cant work or deal with customers with out 
freaking out I try to have positive thoughts and tell myself I’m being 
stupid and there’s nothing wrong with me. But there is. I know there is.
Sorry if that’s kind of hard to understand. I tried to explain it as best 
as I could. hopefully one day there will be answers to dp.

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