Glen

 I have been struggling to deal with this for the last 3 and a half months. I am not sure if it is exactly the same as I have some certain physical symptoms such as balance, poor vision, numbness around the head, but the overwhelming feeling is a real sense that I have lost my soul. I am 34 and not a regular E user, perhaps used it only 5 times in my life and that was over the last 18 months. I do not like the come down from it and have continually turned it down when offered it by my friends, until 3 and a half months ago when I was at a party. Well, I was a bit depressed and a friend offered me a pill, I swallowed it and immediately thought how foolish it was on top of the alcohol I had consumed, I went to the toilet to throw up but someone was using the toilet and I couldn’t get in, I had an anxiety attack but this soon subsided because the E kicked in, from that point I just rolled with it and as it wore off I became paranoid and can’t remember to much more of the night, I have since learnt that pot can also cause this and I did have a few tokes on a joint that night, so I can’t put down to the ecstasy but rather a combination of the drugs and the panic attack.I felt wasted for the next two days, this was worse than normal but I just put it down to it being a heavier night than I am used to. Anyway I seemed to come right after that, or so I thought, a few more days past and I was feeling really weird, like I have never felt before. I rung up my friend who gave me the pill and asked what he gave me and if anyone else was feeling strange, but no one was. At his suggestion I went to the doctor and to the doctor and told him how I felt, he had a look and said I had a virus. I knew that it was no flu as I had not ever felt this way before, I started searching the net and in my paranoid/panicky state I convinced myself that I had HIV which was causing some brain disease, so I got myself tested, came back negative but this took a couple of weeks and I was beside myself with fear and scaring the life out of my girlfriend. It was then that I became convinced it had something to do with that night, the doctor by now thought I was a hypochondriac and I ended up changing doctors.I have had blood tests, eye tests, dentist check up, saw a neurologist and had an MRI scan as the neurologist thought I had had a minor stroke, but the MRI came back clear, once again though this caused me a great deal of anxiety. It seemed that no one will find anything wrong with me and I started questioning whether it is all in my head, my partner is the only one who really knows what I am going through. I am really struggling and have been put on Lofepramine as I increasingly have suicidal thoughts, I can’t believe this has happened to me, I had so much to live for and was planning on starting a family, but I can’t make that kind on commitment in my present frame of mind. I have recently found that their is a specialist Depersonalization Unit right here in London and I am trying to get into see one of the specialist. Since finding John’s story I have read a lot on this subject and have yet to read about any cure for this terrible condition, but I do feel better knowing that it is a recognized problem and I not going crazy nor am I alone, this does give me strength and I am now taking it one day at a time, but the one thing I know, is that a different person left that party that night.

Share this post

Share on facebook
Share on google
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on pinterest
Share on print
Share on email

More Stories

As with so many of you I can't believe there's actually anyone else who feels the things I do and that these feelings have a name —Depersonalization Disorder I first heard about it last night while I was researching Paxil on the net.  I read the word depersonalization and a short definition and had to find continue reading
This is blowing my mind. I cant believe there are other people out there that feel "not here" as well. I like to call it being on "auto-pilot" not that I can't control what I'm doing, its like my soul has more important matters to deal with than everyday things. Often times I will be driving, continue reading
I am a 20 year old male student. I am sure my DP has arisen from the use of the drug ecstasy. I have had various other symptoms since the night I took the "E", but the DP is the worst and has persisted the most.  About 5 months ago, I took one ecstasy tablet with continue reading
I'd smoked pot since I was about 16. I had resisted for a long time, being a total control freak even at that age, but once I tried it I just had too much fun.  For a number of years I had no problems.  I simply enjoyed myself and suffered the typical paranoia of being regularly stoned.  At the continue reading
From the start of my life until 1997, I would describe myself as having, for want of a better word, a ‘normal’ state of mind.  I experienced ups and downs, had likes and dislikes, and felt entitled to my hopes and expectations.  I was happy enough in my day to day life and was looking forward to continue reading
For years I have attempted to recount my experience with depersonalization as a full-time condition.  And every time I've tried, I've stopped, for the simple reason that I first knew this illness nearly 30 years ago, and to relay everything I've experienced, felt and learned in that time would literally take hundreds of pages.  But continue reading

Share your story