“J 2”

First let me say that I’m thrilled there is a forum for people with this disorder.  It helps so much knowing that it’s NOT just in your head, that you’re not alone. When I was about 14 I began asking myself “Who am I?” over and over to the point where I would panic because I felt “out of my body”, so to speak.  Like someone else mentioned, I had a big problem with mirrors.  If I stared into a mirror too long, I felt as though I wasn’t even real.  It’s so hard to describe.  Eventually this seemed to pass, but then when I was about 20 I was driving down a dark road one night (alone) and I suddenly had this horrible realization that I was all alone. and that odd feeling came back with a vengeance.  I had to turn the radio up all the way and roll down the window – anything to take my mind off of it.  These panic attacks only seemed to occur at night, so I just tried to make sure I was never alone after dark.  Years later I was about to go to bed when all of a sudden my legs felt like they were going to give out from under me.  I went into the bathroom and put cold water on my face. it didn’t help.  My heart was racing so hard and loud that it was pounding in my ears. it felt like it was going a hundred miles an hour.  I called 911 and they rushed me to the ER.  After hours of EKG’s, blood gasses (which are so painful) and a lung sweep to check for blood clots, they sent me home.  The general consensus was that I had pneumonia.  I felt better knowing there was an alleged reason for my feelings that time.  But weeks later, it happened again.  In fact, I went to the ER 3 times in one month.  Finally the resident doctor told me that he thought I should see a psychiatrist, because all of my health tests were inconclusive.  I was diagnosed with panic/anxiety disorder and prescribed Xanax.  It seemed to help, but I was scared of becoming dependant so I stopped.  Everything seemed fine for a time, but then the attacks returned.  I would have horrible visions of seeing myself dead and my parents crying, I would have that classic impending feeling doom – like THIS time it was for real.  I absolutely thought I was losing my mind.  To this day I deal with the attacks, though my husband is a wonderful support and always gets me calmed down.  I tried taking Effexor and had a HORRIBLE attack – the worst ever.  (My doctor said that Effexor has some “adrenaline issues” for certain people.  Trust me on this one!!)  Now I don’t take anything. I just try to relax, and focus on other things.  For some odd reason, I’ve noticed that when my sinuses are congested I feel even more anxious…not sure why.  I also noticed that other people here have mentioned marijuana use in association with these feelings.  I too smoked for a brief period of time, and the last time I had an awful attack. Some days are good, especially if I keep busy.  I know rationally that it is psychosomatic, but that doesn’t make it any less scary.  Thanks to this disorder, I’ve become a hypochondriac and I “have” every symptom I read about.  I just want to feel normal. I think we all do.  We’re stronger than this – all of us are.  

Share this post

Share on facebook
Share on google
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on pinterest
Share on print
Share on email

More Stories

I am so thankful that I finally found out what is wrong with me...DID, dissociative disorder...which, by the way, is not rare. It is now believed that as high as 10% of the general population has some level of DID (of which depersonalization is a part).... Thank you to all of you who are posting your stories on this continue reading
Hi all!! First of all I'm sorry for my English won't be as good as I wanted to be. My personal story started in Spain (where I am) 28 years ago in 1975 when I was ten years old. I was in classroom, sitting on my chair, in a clear and shinny morning of September and suddenly a continue reading
Much later in life I looked back on my childhood with fond memories of Halloween, the one day of the year where I could put on a mask and know what I was supposed to be that day. More importantly others would not know me thus the slate was clean once again and I could continue reading
I believe my true episodes of depersonalization/derealization disorder started when I was about 13. I know that even before that age I had had feelings that "I wasn't really there" in fact I used to tell my family that all the time and they thought I was just overreacting. Anyway, when I was 12 my continue reading
What a relief to find that there is a name for what I am experiencing and that I am not alone in this; although, I'd not wish this on anyone.  So here we are....all in this physical world but NOT! ....all in our little bubbles. Last night something happened that made me realize how bad my DP is continue reading
In high school, I had used marijuana, alcohol and LSD for a period of 2 months. I quit drugs but occasionally drank alcohol with no adverse effects. After high school I got a fulltime job in an auto parts factory and really enjoyed the financial freedom. A couple of years later I started to feel continue reading

Share your story