When I was 13 I smoked pot for the first time. I felt completely nothing, maybe I just imagined that I felt something so I could impress my friends who had already been high numerous times. After trying to get high again and failing, I decided that me and two other friends would keep smoking until we got high. While I was in the middle of packing the third bowl, all the sudden I got up and started pacing around the room, something was going terribly wrong, was this supposed to be fun? After about 10 seconds of an intense panic attack, it subsided and I was able to calm down enough to go to sleep, praying to god the feelings would wear off. I did not know it at the time, but I experienced dp or dr (I can’t figure out which one I have, I think it’s dr). These feelings did not persist though when I woke up, and I thought I was out of the woods.
Then about a month later, one day while i was in English class, I looked at a paper that had been handed back to me and all the sudden felt an enormous, fearful rush go through my body. For that whole day, I felt very odd and strange, an did some research online and found out what dp and dr were. Since my dad is a psychologist, he assured me that it was normal, and not to worry about it. Since then though, I haven’t ever been 100% back to reality. A couple months I’d feel fine, then it start again. I realized that that when I’d smoke pot, which I very occasionally did, these feelings would return, and I became fearful that they wouldn’t stop. However, anyone who’s smoked weed before knows this isn’t the case, you always come down. This is why I don’t blaze anymore, and don’t intend to ever again.
One part of dp and dr that I experience though that I have not seen discussed before is the aspect of questioning life and existence. How did we get here? What are we doing here? What is our purpose? Frankly, so to speak, what I am I literally doing right now? This leads me to bizarre thoughts such as I am the only true soul and conscience mind out there, with everyone else being fake. I know that this is most likely not the case, but maybe, somehow, everything and everyone revolves around me, like I am the center of the universe. If you’re reading this right now, you might be thinking the exact same thing, that you are that person, and I am the fake one. This is extremely unlikely scenario, but I just thought I’d put it out there regarding dp and dr.
The “haze” that life seems to be in comes and goes for me, but you learn to cope with it. Right now, I am in a sort of hazy state, but nothing that I’m not accustomed too. For a while, I thought that I must be going mad, maybe I had schizophrenia or something. From researching and talking to my dad though, dp and dr are not illnesses and is all anxiety related. For anyone out there who thinks they are going crazy, take comfort in this. What concerns me now mostly is the my dp or dr might lead to a panic attack. In the past couple of years, not counting the times I’ve gotten high, it has only flared up twice, and one time where I walked into a room where my friends were smoking good quality weed, where I’m not sure if I was high or it was my dp/dr. My advice to anyone who suffers from the “haze” quality like I do IS TO TRY AND STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. Don’t question, don’t what if, just distract yourself and try to enjoy life.