Kristen

  This is my story, while it is very similar, it is different as well. I am a 21 (22 in Jan.) yr. old female. I was never abused growing up, but I did experiment with drugs. But that has been a while ago. In high school I smoked pot a lot, but then quit when i went to college. I started drinking a lot and using Ecstasy. I did “X” a whole lot, I can’t even count how many times. But I know it was a whole lot…like about 30 times if I had to guess. But I quit doing ecstasy over 2 years ago. Although I do think this may have contributed to the way I feel. But I am not sure. I used to be a really fun, happy, somewhat outgoing person. But now, I am completely different. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and ADD, and Social Anxiety Disorder. I avoid a lot of social situations now. And don’t feel myself anymore. But since I started taking all this medicine, I noticed I would have these “episodes.” For no reason at all, out of nowhere, I would get this horrible weird feeling. It started happening a lot, like at least once a month I would feel this weird sense of “detachment.” I remember the first time I was in Wal-Mart with my mom, and it just hit me. I knew where I was, and who I was with. But everything was not right. I felt dizzy, nauseated, and I felt like I did not know what was going on, I did not know what I was doing anymore, nothing made sense, I felt disoriented, and I started thinking all of these crazy thoughts, questioning what I was doing, questioning my existence at that moment. I could hear people around me, and understand them if I concentrated really hard. I was sweating, and nervous. But it was obvious that something was terribly wrong. My mom looked at me and said” What is wrong with you?!” After I realized what she had said (it took me so long to process the information, to figure out what she said, and figure out my response.) I was questioning everything…so I eventually responded with a confused “I don’t know, I don’t feel normal.” She said she could just look at me and could tell something was not right at all. After a while, the feeling diminished, but never really went away. I felt a little weird all the rest of the night until I went to sleep. But that was just the beginning of a few episodes, that just seemed to get worse. The worst time was a few months ago, I was at Cedar Point. (I should have been having a blast!) And I was, at first, then, we went and ate, and took a break in the car. I fell asleep for about 30 minutes or so. But right when I woke up, everything was extremely wrong. I did not know where I was, I did not know what I was doing, why I was there, and who I was with, and what the hell is going on. “Am I still dreaming? WAKE UP!”, I kept telling myself. But I was awake. I looked up at the park, at all the rollercoasters, and it looked so “un-real.” I was with my boyfriend at the time, and my parents. he had never seen me have one of these episodes and didn’t know what to do. Neither did I. He kept asking me questions, but it was like I couldn’t process what he was asking. And if I concentrated enough, finally I would understand and respond with a one word answer, as if I was off in my own little world. And I was!!! It was scary. We had to meet my parents now, and so I got even more afraid. I started walking, off balance to the gates. I saw all the people, and watched the way they moved, and the way they just go on with life, while I am in a completely different world, where I don’t understand anything, nothing makes sense, and I was questioning everything. I tried as hard as I possibly could to act normal, cause my mom freaks out when this happens to me, and I didn’t want to ruin our trip, so I tried, very hard, but she could tell, she asked if I was ok, and I just told her I was hot, and tired..she bought it for a while, but then it was time to ride a rollercoaster. We standing in line, and I was going crazy. I was extremely nervous. What is going to happen? Am I going to be able to do this? Am I going to die? Should I get on?? All this worrying only seemed to make the problem that much worse. And the closer I got, the more paranoid I got. I felt everyone was looking at me, thinking something is terribly wrong with me. But there was no possible way for me to explain how I felt. No one could possibly understand. I constantly wondered, if this feeling would last forever. It started for no reason, and I was still living, just in my head, everything was extremely mixed up, and nothing made any sense to me. People were weird to me, weird to watch. It is almost indescribable…So what if I am like this forever?! So it was time to get on the ride. My heart was racing. I couldn’t even buckle the seatbelt, I didn’t know how, or even understand. I panicked and screamed for the lady to come and help. I kept thinking, I’m going to die, I’m going to die from a heart attack or something. I didn’t know what was going to happen, since I was already off balanced, confused, not normal, by any means. But oh well, I was strapped in. It was a stand up rollercoaster, The Mantis, it goes really fast and upside down with twists and turns. As we climbed the hill, I just thought, Well, this is it, either I die, I throw up, or I completely loose it, and go insane, never to be normal again, or have a nervous breakdown. Well, here is goes, down the first hill..no turning back. I just closed my eyes and kept saying, “please don’t die, please don’t die.” It was over before I knew it, I was ok, it was fun. I was still messed up, and disoriented, but I was alive. That was the last rollercoaster I rode though…Afterwards, it was night time, so me and my bf went and got a beer, and to my surprise, the more I drank, the more “normal” I felt. It never completely went away, until I went to sleep that night. The next day I was fine, normal. And it hasn’t happened again since then. But I am always scared it will happen, when I least expect it.  It is a horrible feeling, and I never knew what was wrong with me, until now. I feel so much better knowing that this happens to a lot of people. I just thought I was really messed up, brain damaged or something, from all the ecstasy I did. But I don’t know what caused it, or if it will ever happen again, I sure hope not. I used to take drugs to escape reality, to enter a different world. But this is a world of sheer terror and frightening, I am never going to do drugs like that ever again. If anyone would like to talk about it, share an experience, or if you have had a similar experience to mine, let me know. I’d love to hear from some people. 

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