The first time it happened to me I was about 8. I was visiting Disney World with my mother. I remember I could see my breathe in the air when I turned toward her. I told her I felt like I was dreaming but the words that came out seemed distant and meaningless. I knew she wouldn’t understand. The words I said were so foreign to me. I wasn’t really there! I kept telling her something was wrong. I think she thought I was happy to be at Disney World, but that wasn’t the reason. I only remember this one image of my mother bending over to talk to me. but what I see is me looking from far away. I think that was the first time.
I was never beaten or anything. no traumas. it just started to get more painful as I was older, as my knowledge broadened. I think school actually aided it along. then depression hit me when I was about 11. I started taking anti-depressants when I was twelve and I’m still taking them. I’m 18 now. about two years ago I started to study philosophy on my own. reading everything and having debates with one of my friends who also studied it. I read about existentialism and it fit me. It made sense to me because that is how I think and that is how I feel. I had never even heard of depersonalization disorder until tonight. I was in a session with my counselor, and I was trying to describe to her one of the many episodes that I had had recently. I told her I believed I was going insane. I told her I was thinking about the way that I think and it just wasn’t normal. then she got out and book and read to me about depersonalization disorder. everything fit me. so now that I know what I have (along with depression) I can try to cope. its also comforting to know I’m not going insane.