Meredith

I wrote this around six months of being homeless. The only time that I was back my body completely for any real expanse of time in which I felt a real shift in my identity was around winter ’96. I experienced three days in which I had a continuous sense of being all of a sudden intensely reconnected with my body. I felt literally like my spirit was being slammed into the confines of my physicalBody. Even though I knew I was returning to a proper state of being it felt unnatural and I felt like I was suffocating. I was reconnected for three days and with the passing of each hour my disturbed thinking diminished to such a point I began to remember what it was like to live without it constantly present. I didn’t even feel capable being truly self-destructive or just generally twisted and most importantly I could just ignore the voices in my head that had anything with these matters. I felt with each attack my ability to override was growing stronger quickly. Instead of being in dread of what new twisted thought was going to hit me I actually welcomed the challenge of confronting them so I could exercise my new mastery. On the first day of being back “in” since I was 15 I had flashbacks starting. From the very beginning when I first became chronically depersonalized. Images and feelings would briefly flash before me of every mortifying, cruel or disgusting thing I had done. I felt myself processing long stored up emotions- feeling them and then they passed away. I could feel wholes in me closing up. I began to feel more intake and solid as person. The pain I felt was so sharp but I finally felt like I had my soul back so in a strange way.I felt it a honor to be back and still alive. I didn’t realize I had been still there underneath all those layers of confusing personalities all these years. I thought- wow at least she is stubborn not to have vanished all together. There was this profound sense of finally being able to direct myself in a coarse of action stemming from a real desire to accomplish something I thought was right to do. I had brief periods of real depth of thought and a deep sense of simple boredom with the dialogues that had been running in my head for along time. I saw a purpose( for a complete) change in thinking hard and forming my own opinions and even my own philosophy.

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