Mike

I have suffered from DP all of my life. When I was a child I would just space out and see all of these lights and colors. I never liked being around other children because they seemed far too connected to their physical form and physical movements than I was. I enjoyed sitting by myself in my room perfectly still for hours. I was obsessed with television and would sit and watch sitcom after sitcom in a trance. I didn’t really laugh at the jokes like normal people, I was mostly just absorbed in the various colors on the screen or on the colors of the clothes worn by the characters or the look of the furniture and carpet.

I have a really big nose and it fascinated me that I could focus my vision and actually see my nose in my line of sight. Sometimes my eyes would hurt very badly from doing this but I did it anyway. I was very thin so my arms felt unreal to me, I would look down at them and they wouldn’t feel like they were really there, they felt so weak. My obsession with TV caused me to fear real life. I would see stories about rape on the news and this caused sex to seem very frightening to me. I didn’t want to hurt women, but I became paranoid that they would accuse me of Rape or the government might try to come after me if I pursued relationships with women. For me, the picture reality of television had become my real reality.

I am afraid of having a self, I’m afraid that if I stopped being depersonalized I wouldn’t be able to control myself and would get involved in dangerous situations.
 

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