Miroslav

As many of you, I really think that writing this letter will make me feel better.
For 5 years I have been diagnosed with phobias, anxiety and panic attacks. I used to be pretty normal child, hyperactive, but OK. Then suddenly it came. First, fear of cardiovascular disease, then the worst fear of all, fear of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, then fear of brain tumor, AIDS, diabetes, schizophrenia… After many tests done, doctors, parents and friend realized, I am just like my grandmother, I am hypochondriac!

OK, I started psychoanalysis and it revealed no results at all. Lucky for me, a friend of ours was also psychotherapist, but practicing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Honestly, now, I can say, he saved my life twice, because of deep depressions I’ve been in.
It was all OK till I was 24 or 6 months before. I left fear of death and sclerosis behind and finally started living again. For all my problems I’ve blamed my high intelligence (144IQ, BInet Simeo test), and my father’s death.

Then, because I practiced lucid dreaming for many years, I wanted to find some new
way of inducing them. I found Osho’s book of some weird meditations and started
practicing. After 5 minutes I experienced one of the worst panic attacks ever, and reallyhe was right, world really looks unreal. Like light is dancing on the surface of
everything and everything is slightly moving in my peripheral vision.

The next 3 months I spent working on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, again, and luckily I overcame all of my phobias, and fears. Right now I am not so afraid of gettingpsychotic, but I am. For sure I don’t want to get psychotic. But, dissociative experience is HUGE. World moves, breathes, sometimes when it is worst it is dimensionless.

Yesterday it looked like world is picture painted and it crashed and started flying into my eyes. Sometimes it looks like it is raining but there is no rain. I cannot look at bright lights, my vision is like an old TFT screen, everything is… oh my… Then, sometimes, sound is killing me. Like a picture (please enter in Google composite photography and experience derealization) made of 1000s of pictures and I cannot see the whole, just the some minor detail. Often, very often, when I am drowsy and sleepy and sleep deprived, I have illusions, for instance for 0.5seconds I think of a road sign as of a person. Of a wind for a second I can think as of a whispering. Music tends to break down and I can hear what I wanna hear, or what I expect to hear…

Thoughts, sometime, like that they are not mine, for just 0.5 seconds. I tend to panic then, but I after so much practice I keep it under control.

All said, like I am not whole person anymore. It is really bad sometime, but after expelling fear from my life, everything is much better. I sleep more,hallucinations and illusions are less likely. Memory lapses are direct function of sleep, and it is much better now….I hope that one day, and I really believe in that one day, everything will be WHOLE PERSON AGAIN and that perception of external world will be fine.
Wish you the same….

Share this post

Share on facebook
Share on google
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on pinterest
Share on print
Share on email

More Stories

When I first found this site, I did not know whether I wanted to view or contribute to it because each of your stories causes me to start panicking a little. But I suppose I find solace in that fact that I am not alone, and if I can provide that for someone else, then
I’ve had episodes of DP over the past 8 years. The most disturbing one was the one triggered by weed. I’ve had Dp before I started smoking weed and now that I’ve had an awfull trip I think i better stay away from the drug.I think I’m figuring it out though. It’s NOT the ultimate reality, it’s
Hi, I’m Patrick.  I’m 36 and I’ve felt “not here” since I was about 9 or 10.  I can remember the exact moment the feeling came on, and the cause appears to have nothing to do with drugs or abuse, as related by some of the others here, but rather a kind of mental experiment I then
First off, I just have to tell you what an amazing encouragement your site has been to me.  When I found this website and read about DP and others experiences with it, I couldn’t stop myself from crying.  I kept wanted to say “YES! YES! I FELT THAT WAY TOO!”  I can’t even explain how
I don’t really know where to start. Before getting online and “searching” I had no idea that there were so many other people who felt the same way I did. Like many others I have never been officially diagnosed with depersonalization, but reading what others have described, symptoms exactly like my own, I don’t know
I will be 49 years old on Monday Aug. 2.  It is strange that I finally have an answer to what has been going on with me for all the years of my life. I grew up in a family in which my father was an alcoholic and committed suicide when I was 12 years

Share your story