|As many of you, I really think that writing this letter will make me feel better. |
For 5 years I have been diagnosed with phobias, anxiety and panic attacks. I used to be pretty normal child, hyperactive, but OK. Then suddenly it came. First, fear of cardiovascular disease, then the worst fear of all, fear of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, then
fear of brain tumor, AIDS, diabetes, schizophrenia… After many tests done, doctors,
parents and friend realized, I am just like my grandmother, I am hypochondriac!
OK, I started psychoanalysis and it revealed no results at all. Lucky for me, a friend of ours was also psychotherapist, but practicing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Honestly, now, I can say, he saved my life twice, because of deep depressions I’ve been in.
It was all OK till I was 24 or 6 months before. I left fear of death and sclerosis behind and finally started living again. For all my problems I’ve blamed my high intelligence (144IQ, BInet Simeo test), and my father’s death.
Then, because I practiced lucid dreaming for many years, I wanted to find some new
way of inducing them. I found Osho’s book of some weird meditations and started
practicing. After 5 minutes I experienced one of the worst panic attacks ever, and reallyhe was right, world really looks unreal. Like light is dancing on the surface of
everything and everything is slightly moving in my peripheral vision.
The next 3 months I spent working on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, again, and luckily I overcame all of my phobias, and fears. Right now I am not so afraid of gettingpsychotic, but I am. For sure I don’t want to get psychotic. But, dissociative experience is HUGE. World moves, breathes, sometimes when it is worst it is dimensionless.
Yesterday it looked like world is picture painted and it crashed and started flying into my eyes. Sometimes it looks like it is raining but there is no rain. I cannot look at bright lights, my vision is like an old TFT screen, everything is… oh my… Then, sometimes, sound is killing me. Like a picture (plz enter in Google composite photography and experience derealization) made of 1000s of pictures and I cannot see the whole, just the some minor detail. Often, very often, when I am drowsy and sleepy and sleep deprived, I have illusions, for instance for 0.5seconds I think of a road sign as of a person. Of a wind for a second I can think as of a whispering. Music tends to break down and I can hear what I wanna hear, or what I expect to hear…
Thoughts, sometime, like that they are not mine, for just 0.5seconds. I tend to panic then, but I after so much practice I keep it under control.
All said, like I am not whole person anymore. It is really bad sometime, but after expelling fear from my life, everything is much better. I sleep more,hallucinations and illusions are less likely. Memory lapses are direct function of sleep, and it is much better now….
I hope that one day, and I really believe in that one day, everything will be WHOLE PERSON AGAIN and that perception of external world will be fine.
Wish you the same….