Natasha

When I was 12, I smoked pot; did meth, drank pretty much, did whatever I could get a hold of drug and alcohol wise, then one night when I was 16, I smoked a joint and got this weird feeling in my head; I thought that my husband might have poisoned me.
So I went and made myself throw up thinking that would help –it didn’t so I started screaming and ran outside and down the road and told him I thought I was gonna die and to take me to the hospital. Of course the doctors gave me xanax and said it was a panic attack.

When I left there that night I said to myself I would never touch another cigarette no more pot and no more dope and I didn’t for 5 years. During the 5 years I didn’t do anything because I was scared I might die, but as time went on I started feeling better in my head like I might not die after all.

Well when I was 21 I decided that smoking a little pot again might not hurt me so I started smoking pot again and then I started doing meth again. Every now and then when I would smoke pot I would freak out and think I was dying and start screaming and generally my husband was the one who would help me calm down, but they got worse and every time I would get high or I would do dope I would have one of these attacks which I thought were panic attacks. Whatever they were I just knew every time I felt it I was gonna die so I would pray to God to please forgive me for everything I had done and that I was sorry and wouldn’t do it again if he’d let me live. But after I would calm down I was right back to doing it again, so I kept doing the drugs up until I was 26 years old and then suddenly in August of last year being the year 2000 I did some meth and was so out of there, “meaning” didn’t know where I was and what was going on only knowing that I was very very scared.

I of course haven’t been the same since then I still to this day WILL NOT take any medications because it makes me feel even worse than what I already feel. I won’t even take antibiotics. My doctor has put me on xanax and respirdal and I won’t take it because I can’t stand how drugs make me feel.

I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and can barely stand to stay awake so I hurry back to bed to go back to sleep because to me the night time is always the worst. I hate it when it gets dark. I feel almost like I’m doomed when its night time. I really hate feeling like this, but as time goes on I’m beginning to see that I’m not going to die; but it sure is an awful feeling knowing that you feel like your stuck in a high and won’t come down –that’s the best way I can explain it .

Anyway, I wish they would make a drug that helps the chemistry that causes people to feel like this I’m not sure what causes it or even what brings it on but I can’t stand it. Its horrible and I haven’t been able to have any kind of life now. I won’t work because I can’t go into public for long. I feel like I can’t breathe if I’m outside in the heat at all, and can’t go into public places for long and if I freak out I will run out of the store — I feel like I’m going to die and an attack comes on real strong.

I can barely sit through church, and its only an hour, without feeling like I’m gonna die in church. Anyway I’m another one here so again no one’s alone if they experience these symptoms. I guess all you can do is learn to deal with it and hopefully the attacks will decrease as time goes on and I will be able to live a normal life again. Who knows?

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