Nick

When I first found this site, I did not know whether I wanted to view or contribute to it because each of your stories causes me to start panicking a little. But I suppose I find solace in that fact that I am not alone, and if I can provide that for someone else, then it is worth it. 

About three years ago ( I was 17) I started smoking weed. I smoked nearly every day for about 8 months. During that time, every so often I would be standing up and feel light headed. I would start to feel a little nauseous and I would feel a slight itchy burning feeling in my head. I thought little of it but I cut down anyway

 Towards the end of the school year, a friend and I went to another guy’s house. We went in back to smoke. I took in a little more than I normally did, and I started pacing back and forth with a frown on my face. I did not notice this until my friend asked me what I was doing. I stopped for about a minute then apparently started doing it again. We decided to go back inside, so we walked around to the side. Suddenly everything started to go white. I have no memory for about a minute but they told me I started to fall forward and they had to catch me before I rammed my head into a gate. My vision was white and according to my friend my eyes where open the widest they could go. They carried me to the front of the house and all I can remember is thinking I was going to die. (reading what I have written so far makes me feel like I am making light of it 100 fold, It is far worse than what I can describe) Over and over I was praying (I’m not religious) and thinking only one thought at a time, so this is how I am going to die, if I get out of this I’m going to have major brain damage.

I could see my funeral, I could see my parents, I could see myself dying there. Slowly, I could move my head from side to side and see faint movement. It took about 2hrs and about 15 glasses of water from my loyal friend for me to be able to walk and see. Most of what I can remember is my friend bringing me glass after glass of water. After about an hour back at my friends house I was able to drive myself home. On the hour trip, I through my cigs out the window and vowed I would never even smoke cigs again. Around six months after that my family and I went down to visit my cousins for Xmas. I had not had any trouble after the first episode ended so I foolishly decided to smoke again. It took about 15 mins, then I started to feel weird. I heard my voice inside my head that said you’re going to die, you’re going to die, you’re going to die. Faster and faster and louder. (thinking back on it, it seemed like the start of the Manson song, the beautiful people.) I was convinced more than anything that I was going to have a seizure. It was worse than the first time because I was awake the whole four hours with my mother beside me trying to calm me down. It seemed like everything made it worse, I could not make any decisions should I relax or should I breathe heavier or if i relaxed would that kill me. I was striped of everything stable. It was like the physical and emotional version of a continuous falling dream I could see myself dying. I know exactly how solders must feel after being shot, sitting there dying, crying mama mama. (once again reading over makes me relies that someone who had not gone through this Depersonalization could not possibly understand. And I am so glad I am not alone) Now after a year of therapy and anti depressants (neither helped) I am somewhat stable but I still get the freak outs. I’d be sitting around the table with family friends, then all of a sudden its like a camera is zooming back and something very very bad is about to happen. It can come on or leave in a snap. I would feel more alone than I could have ever imagined before this, even if some one is right there holding my hand. One of the worst parts of the aftermath is that no one understands. Its like a bad Sci-Fi movie where you have a secret and no one will believe you. Its weird though, when I am in a different state of mind, I don’t understand or comprehend what I went through, and I feel OK (mostly during the day, nights can be bad). If I have trouble believing it happened even when I went through it, I can’t expect people who have never gone through anything like it to understand. It felt good getting this written out and I hate writing. I would recommend sharing, if any one is conflicted, it helps.

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