Anonymous 4

Hi, I had my first depersonalization experience when I was 12 3/4 years old.  I’m ashamed and sorrowed to admit that it occurred just two weeks after  the first time I smoked marijuana.  The DP event was so incredibly traumatic and life altering.  I look back now over the years (I’m 37 now), and can see how my life was altered forever from that first DP episode, until the present.  It has been the center of what I can and cannot do for my entire life since the age of 12.  I remember praying to God that it would go away when it first occurred, and after it didn’t, I assured my self that by the time I was 17, or 22, or 27, etc, I’d certainly be free from it (thinking in 5 year increments), but here I am, on May 14, 2004, technology and science having advanced far enough to see me typing on the ‘internet’, about DP.  It’s a part of my life forever.  I have found some strength and ‘pride’ in considering the fact that I am an ‘observer’ here on this earth, and in this body, and race of bodies called human beings.  I see folly in all human activities with the exception of Love, and that since I have had my own children (three of them).  Only love, and the giving of it to the most innocent, seems real to me, and it is Love that gives my life meaning.  Without it I would see this life with the pure detachment of DP, and marvel at the folly of my existence in this body, watching these thoughts, and amongst all of these seemingly ‘plugged in’ people.  I must say, the movie, ‘The Matrix’ must have been conceived of by a DP brother or sister.  It was like a revelation to view that concept on the screen. I want to thank you for this beautiful, wonderful page.  I TOTALLY agree with the need for research into the barrier between sleep and wakefulness.  DP isn’t narcolepsy, but maybe narcolepsy on 10 cups of coffee.  I would like to experiment with the newer drug, modafinil, to see if it helped with my own DP.  I may pursue this if I can find a sympathetic doctor.  Otherwise, I must say that I do, and always have, found great relief from alcohol, though that substance has caused me many problems in the past.  I have matured to a ‘medicinal’ user of it now, and am grateful for it just being there when I need it.  Also, I had rather long lasting success with Tylenol cold (with psuedoephedrine), and with ephedrine/guarana/whitewillow stack.  Unfortunately, five years of positive usage with the latter, resulted, finally, in panic attacks, which brought back the DP, and vice versa, with a vengeance.  I sit back and watch as bravely as I can, as my ‘outer brain’ (that’s what I call the brain that I ‘reside’ in the center of during a DP attack), and my body, and existence itself, go on playing like some bizarre ‘movie’…rotten analogy for something that is REALLY happening…or is it? Please write if you’d like. bryans36@hotmail.com

Share this post

Share on facebook
Share on google
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on pinterest
Share on print
Share on email

More Stories

I am 20 years old starting my third year of college, and have been dealing with what I’m positive is depersonalization disorder for about 6 months  I have not yet confirmed this, but after visiting this website just last night, something finally clicked. I have seen a few doctors who have tested my thyroid gland,
The first time I suffered from DP was four months following the birth of my first child.  It was a horrible experience.  I thought I was losing my mind.  I even considered suicide.  After confiding in my mother I was sent to a psychologist.  The psychologist later sent me to a psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist diagnosed
This is brilliant! All these people outside looking in, I’m gushing over. I’m 22, I do take a lot of drugs (I make no excuses). I didn’t realize there was a name for this feeling until I found this site. To be perfectly honest I’ve been walking around in a kind of stunned haze these
What a relief to find that there is a name for what I am experiencing and that I am not alone in this; although, I’d not wish this on anyone.  So here we are….all in this physical world but NOT! ….all in our little bubbles. Last night something happened that made me realize how bad my DP is
Hello all. I amazed by this website. I have thought for the last 27 years that I was alone with this experience. I must say that after reading, I had/have more of a derealization thing than depersonalization [ There seems to be some cross over]  It started for me from a pot smoking session when
It’s funny. I never thought I’d find anything  pertaining to this topic…ever. Then I find this site. I thought I was the only one with the problem. I can’t tell reality from my dreams anymore. When I conduct my daily activities fully awake, it feels like I’m dreaming. This has lead to an uncaring attitude on

Share your story