Clair

If I can stop the tears I’ll be able to get through this! I was unaware of the condition DP until my midwife referred me to a psychiatrist thinking I was suffering from ante-natal depression. I sat in her office answering a string of questions, that for the first time in my life I answered truthfully. She seemed almost overjoyed at her diagnosis (almost like she felt that labeling me made everything clear and better for me!!) Wrong, I left her office confused and uninformed and slipped back into my alter-reality (mum, partner) as I walked into my front door and carried on ‘normal’ life. It wasn’t until a few days later when I found this site and realized that at last I ‘fitted’ somewhere that I became aware of what an astute lady she was. I now realize that I have had many ‘episodes’ in my life dealing with the conditions that attach themselves to DP, BUT without proper information, treating them as separate entities, although one often acts as a trigger for another. I have made excuses for my panic attacks so as not to draw too much attention to myself, and explained my ‘out there/ not really here feelings’  as feeling a little left of centre. As for the loud thoughts in my head well they are silent to the outside world so no-one needs to know although to me they are thoroughly distracting and disturbing. I find it impossible to interact with others at times as understanding language is almost unbearably difficult.

My thoughts lead me on perpetual journeys of questions without answers that are not questions (does that make sense?). I am hyper-aware of my every move at times which in itself is frightening I  feel ‘If I don’t think then I’ll stop, almost as if I won’t exist. I find it extremely difficult to open up to anybody, to let them know how I feel so I find myself making things up, anything to fill the void their unanswered questions leave. My psychiatrist has talked about different meds that are safe to take after I have had my baby and although I know I can’t go on like this, the reality of taking medication scares me. I am truly scared of losing touch with myself (does that make sense?). At least I now know that I am not alone and that what I experience I can relate to a little better after reading the information on this site, these two things in themselves bring some comfort to me. 

Share this post

Share on facebook
Share on google
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on pinterest
Share on print
Share on email

More Stories

It was only a couple of days ago that I was reading some kind of a medical encyclopedia and was astonished to find out that what I suffered from at the age of 10-12 has a name. Reading through the stories posted here makes me feel both joy and sorrow, having discovered myself and putting
I’ve been reading through your website on depersonalization–a subject I first learned of only a few days ago, on a forum for people dealing with eating disorders, and the depression and other mental illness that often accompanies or precipitates them. I’d never heard of “depersonalization” before, but the post I was reading struck a chord with
I am so glad that I found this site. I had been reading some of the experiences and some of them are carbon copy descriptions of what I have been living with. I remember my first experience as a child. I was about 10 or 11, I was sitting up in my bunk bed looking
I am 29.I have suffered from DP since the age of 13. I have always been academically successful, a straight A student, so when I first got a full blown DP panic attack my life changed. I was so confused about what was going on with me, I could never explain my symptoms to anyone.
My DP first began about 10 years ago, when I was 14. I have never used an illicit substance – no pot, LSD, Speed, etc. Not even a sniff. So the onset of my symptoms still remains a bit of a mystery…..I remember the first time I has a DP experience. It was like having an overwhelming sense
I believe my true episodes of depersonalization/derealization disorder started when I was about 13. I know that even before that age I had had feelings that “I wasn’t really there” in fact I used to tell my family that all the time and they thought I was just overreacting. Anyway, when I was 12 my

Share your story