Clair

If I can stop the tears I’ll be able to get through this! I was unaware of the condition DP until my midwife referred me to a psychiatrist thinking I was suffering from ante-natal depression. I sat in her office answering a string of questions, that for the first time in my life I answered truthfully. She seemed almost overjoyed at her diagnosis (almost like she felt that labeling me made everything clear and better for me!!) Wrong, I left her office confused and uninformed and slipped back into my alter-reality (mum, partner) as I walked into my front door and carried on ‘normal’ life. It wasn’t until a few days later when I found this site and realized that at last I ‘fitted’ somewhere that I became aware of what an astute lady she was. I now realize that I have had many ‘episodes’ in my life dealing with the conditions that attach themselves to DP, BUT without proper information, treating them as separate entities, although one often acts as a trigger for another. I have made excuses for my panic attacks so as not to draw too much attention to myself, and explained my ‘out there/ not really here feelings’  as feeling a little left of centre. As for the loud thoughts in my head well they are silent to the outside world so no-one needs to know although to me they are thoroughly distracting and disturbing. I find it impossible to interact with others at times as understanding language is almost unbearably difficult.

My thoughts lead me on perpetual journeys of questions without answers that are not questions (does that make sense?). I am hyper-aware of my every move at times which in itself is frightening I  feel ‘If I don’t think then I’ll stop, almost as if I won’t exist. I find it extremely difficult to open up to anybody, to let them know how I feel so I find myself making things up, anything to fill the void their unanswered questions leave. My psychiatrist has talked about different meds that are safe to take after I have had my baby and although I know I can’t go on like this, the reality of taking medication scares me. I am truly scared of losing touch with myself (does that make sense?). At least I now know that I am not alone and that what I experience I can relate to a little better after reading the information on this site, these two things in themselves bring some comfort to me. 

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