Self No-Self
Depersonalization? What’s that? I’m now 40 and have been in the helping profession since my early 20’s. I’ve read every diagnostic code there is and just now came to realize that depersonalization has always been the underlying issue in my life. I cannot remember a time in my life where this diagnosis did not apply. I don’t have a first episode to point to. I can certainly say there have been times in my life where life seems crystal clear. Since I was a small child I have always been a watcher of life, looking at life and feeling like an outsider. I have always analyzed life to it’s fullest. I became a helper at a very young age and professionally chose to help people. Man was that confusing! Trying to help people when life never made sense to me! Now I am home with my two young girls. I have practiced Buddhism and or living life from this moment for at least 7 years. I have gone from having no sense of who I am (a solid identity) to having a sense of self (at least I felt the idea) and to the desire to have no sense of self. BUT, alas, how does one have no-self if one is suspended between the state of self and no-self? Tricky to say the least! So, I am one of those professional, intelligent people. I have always looked so normal and look like I am mainstream and yet I have never felt part of day to day life. That even feels weird to say that. To find a voice to say this and not feel so weird, maybe someone here can relate to this. I have learned to avoid over stimulating myself. I don’t read the newspaper, I no longer watch the news, I don’t get into too many social situations that freak me out and I no longer climb the career later since it freaks me out. I desire so little. Now I know why I have such a deep desire to have clarity of being. So funny to know something all along and than have it stare you in the face. I am the model female who has always looked normal and felt like a freak, trying so desperately to fit in and yet not having a sense of time and space that is constant. Everything can fluctuate in an instant. So why did this begin? Guessing: a generational pattern, early trauma, personality. I do believe it can stop. I don’t believe the answer is “out there” for me. I’m glad to not feel alone, to feel this strangeness with a sense of no one being able to relate to living life from this vantage point.