“M”

In high school, I had used marijuana, alcohol and LSD for a period of 2 months. I quit drugs but occasionally drank alcohol with no adverse effects. After high school I got a fulltime job in an auto parts factory and really enjoyed the financial freedom. A couple of years later I started to feel tired all the time and had no drive for anything. I play in a band and used to love music. I can remember playing a gig and saying to myself, “why am I not enjoying this anymore?”. Things that I used to enjoy seemed meaningless. I remember having a sick to my stomach feeling and I knew something was wrong with me. I went to my family doctor and told him that I felt different. He put me on Ativan, which helped with the “rock gut”. He sent me to a psychiatrist and put me on Clonazepam, which kept me calm. I stopped taking the drug and admitted myself to a hospital where I had a seizure. In the hospital they told me I had a chemical imbalance and put me on Paxil and Risperidol. But as each day passed I became numb to the point of emotional deadness. I couldn’t laugh or cry or display any feelings. I knew I was alive but I felt like I was dead. After five months on Paxil and Risperidol my doctor put me on Prozac and Zyprexa to no avail. I switched to a different psychiatrist and he put me on Celexa and Nortriptyline. I have been on it for two weeks now and waiting to see if it will bring my feelings back. I know that nobody can tell I am sick, but in my head I keep wondering when it is going to end? Life seems meaningless now and I have lost my sense of self and who I was before. Friends of mine think that I am just tired because they don’t understand what I am going through. I think about killing myself, but I know that is the coward’s way out. I think this is a defense mechanism in the brain because before this I was an emotionally sensitive person. Now I feel no pain or pleasure, just a constantly numb feeling of nothingness. 

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