“M”

In high school, I had used marijuana, alcohol and LSD for a period of 2 months. I quit drugs but occasionally drank alcohol with no adverse effects. After high school I got a fulltime job in an auto parts factory and really enjoyed the financial freedom. A couple of years later I started to feel tired all the time and had no drive for anything. I play in a band and used to love music. I can remember playing a gig and saying to myself, “why am I not enjoying this anymore?”. Things that I used to enjoy seemed meaningless. I remember having a sick to my stomach feeling and I knew something was wrong with me. I went to my family doctor and told him that I felt different. He put me on Ativan, which helped with the “rock gut”. He sent me to a psychiatrist and put me on Clonazepam, which kept me calm. I stopped taking the drug and admitted myself to a hospital where I had a seizure. In the hospital they told me I had a chemical imbalance and put me on Paxil and Risperidol. But as each day passed I became numb to the point of emotional deadness. I couldn’t laugh or cry or display any feelings. I knew I was alive but I felt like I was dead. After five months on Paxil and Risperidol my doctor put me on Prozac and Zyprexa to no avail. I switched to a different psychiatrist and he put me on Celexa and Nortriptyline. I have been on it for two weeks now and waiting to see if it will bring my feelings back. I know that nobody can tell I am sick, but in my head I keep wondering when it is going to end? Life seems meaningless now and I have lost my sense of self and who I was before. Friends of mine think that I am just tired because they don’t understand what I am going through. I think about killing myself, but I know that is the coward’s way out. I think this is a defense mechanism in the brain because before this I was an emotionally sensitive person. Now I feel no pain or pleasure, just a constantly numb feeling of nothingness. 

Share this post

Share on facebook
Share on google
Share on twitter
Share on linkedin
Share on pinterest
Share on print
Share on email

More Stories

Hi my name is Brandon and I am not sure if I have DP, but I would like to share my story so that anyone else who has experienced it can find solace.  I had an episode last night for the 3rd or 4th time in my life and decided to do an internet search. I was looking
I’ve experienced Derealization since I was a kid – back then it didn’t cause me a great deal of panic, I didn’t worry about it and it passed. As an adult, I’ve experienced this odd sensation at times of great stress in my life. When I was 28, I had a period of major depression that
My story began when I was 18 years old in 1970. Like so many others here, my first episode of depersonalization followed recreational drug use. I smoked pot occasionally and had taken LSD 4 or 5 times without incident. I was a hippy, we didn’t really worry very much about what we felt were alarmist
For years I have attempted to recount my experience with depersonalization as a full-time condition.  And every time I’ve tried, I’ve stopped, for the simple reason that I first knew this illness nearly 30 years ago, and to relay everything I’ve experienced, felt and learned in that time would literally take hundreds of pages.  But
I have had DP for most (if not all) of my life. I can say for certain that I have had it since about the age of 11 but probably had symptoms prior to that age. I am now a month shy of 33. At the age of 13-14 I remember trying to explain to
I am twenty-five and have been dealing, or attempting to deal with depersonalization for twenty years. I do not recall any of my time here on earth before age of four, so that time is irrelevant to me. I grew up in a dysfunctional environment, so it is my guess that depersonalization on my behalf

Share your story