Patrick

I have suffered from chronic depersonalization for nearly a year now.    I was sitting in my class, waiting for the bell to ring, when a girl offered me some pills.  She claimed they were caffeine pills.  I took two, and went back to doing my thing.  After the class, I began to feel odd.  It was as if everything had gone blurry.  People’s movements were a blur.  I went home, and decided to sleep it off. The next day, it was still there.  I began to panic when it didn’t cease after four days.  I told my parents, and was sent to the hospital.  They drug tested me, and it came up negative.  Then they told me I was probably getting a flu, and was over-reacting.  But I knew I wasn’t.  I had never felt this scared before.  I felt like I was deep within myself, and everything seemed un-real.  I knew I wasn’t dreaming, but I felt like I was.  I couldn’t sleep for four days straight, and began to have delusions that the world was fake, a dream-world.  I felt as though if I wiped my hand in front of me, I could very well erase everything I was seeing.  I couldn’t function.  I felt deep inside of my head, and couldn’t feel the world.  If it was too hot out, I didn’t notice.  I stopped eating, and wouldn’t leave my bed.  Not because I didn’t want to, I wanted to live my summer.  The world simply looked fake.  My biggest fears were 1. That I wouldn’t get better.  2. That I was imagining all of this. and 3. That I wouldn’t know the difference when I got better.   I was sent to a psychiatrist.  She diagnosed me with mild depression and a mild anxiety disorder.  I was put on Paxil and Klonopin (or whatever).  It didn’t help.  The feeling kept getting worse.  I truly thought of suicide.    About 3 months into it, I switched doctors and was put on Risperdal, 40mgs Paxil, and more Klonopin.  It helped a little.I am now managing through life.  While I still feel the effects of DP every day, 24-7 (Feeling is as follows: Feel detached, sleepy, view world as dream like and blurry. Feel alone, in your own world. as though your on auto-pilot  Gets worse in crowds and bright sunny days.) Doctors still say they don’t know what’s wrong with me.  And they seem to always dismiss the idea of de-personalization, saying it’s “just a symptom”.  It angers me that this “symptom” is not understood yet.  So many people experience it, and yet no one knows exactly what it is. No cure, no cause, nothing.  In this day and age, It angers me to know that science seems to hardly focus on this terrible disorder.  I was going to commit suicide over this disorder.  The only thing that keeps me going now, Is the hope that someday it will be gone.  It is horrible!  This is a disorder that NEEDS to be studied and cured!  Because believe me, It could happen to you too.

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