Anonymous 6

oh my how long has it been.  I am 48 years old, yes 48 years old and I have dealt with this for that many years.  At times I feel so far away from myself, but then I think who am I.  I am floating around up there looking down threw the clouds.  Floating, floating…..I want to throw-up.  I feel so disconnected with life.  I have never, ever known who I am, or who I am supposed to be.  How can I.  I take medication to control these emotions.  Then sometimes the medication doesn’t work, so I drink an alcohol beverage.  No, I am not an alcoholic.  It never goes that far.  I usually, just fall asleep.  Sometimes, I can push this way, way, way far back in the recesses of my mind.  Other times it rages without control.  This is one of those times – it is raging.  I don’t even know who is writing this,  I just don’t know.  I’ve seen a therapist – who can understand.  How can you describe this disorder.  Some people think it is “cool”.  Wow, they say, to float above yourself.  It isn’t cool, it is awful.  I will never know who I was meant to be.  I am successful.  Yes, and then some.  I am getting married.  I am supposed to be happy.  I have tons of friends.  I am funny, I make people laugh.  I stand outside myself and the meds don’t work.  I will get married soon.  I love him.  He knows of my disorder.  He cannot comprehend.  Who can.  How can you describe it.  You can’t.   

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